They make me want to go on adventures or climb things or do cartwheels and walk upside down and fall in love with strangers and dance alone and ugh. Every night should be a full moon.

Thought you didn’t give a shit about me?

Get off my tumblr, I can see who views it off stat counter.

You were a house of cards.
You were the joker,
The queen of hearts.
You were cupid’s arrow,
You were the darts.
You were an umbrella,
The rain,
The hail.
But me I’m just
A lonely snail.

I’ve dedicated myself to writing down my life story and how it has changed me. Mostly for college essays. But while doing so I realized that I’ve been romanticizing the past for too long. That my childhood was not as grand and glorious as I make it out to be. Life didn’t just turn to shit the day I started middle school, it gradually worked its way up there. I was just overly optimistic about life back then in the way only children are. Our family was great at pretending to be this picture perfect family. My mom did an incredible job at holding us together while we pretended to be stable, to be one of those classy sophisticated suburban families in photographs that come already in your frames. We were so good at it, that even I myself was convinced. Never was my youthful innocence shattered. I dreamed and dreamed big and unrealistically. I thought I was special and different and smart and pretty and perfect, because when you’re little that’s all you’re told really. You expected the world to be on your finger tips if you only stretched out your hands. Nothing seemed unrealistic, the future was so far away and anything was possible. But you see, your sense of time is also wrong as a kid. The future was literally right in front of you, and those big dreams, they were still faraway. And then you grow up and shit that you never realized happened before continues to happen. Except this time you realize it and suddenly your whole world that you thought was so great is shattering around you. You are confused and life stops giving you things and starts taking them away and suddenly you have to start working really hard to keep them and to keep things together, and you have all these plans and these expectations and you don’t think you can do them. It’s exhausting. Life is exhausting. We grow up with too many expectations. About love and about life and about happiness, about careers and weddings, and fancy things. We don’t grow up with much knowledge about disappointment, or sadness, or loss, or hate and death. They just wait until it hits you, they wait until something comes and shatters your youthful innocence. And then from there you are forced to grow up into some life that you probably don’t want.

I have no place in a relationship. 

Why not? 

because I’d rather be with someone who doesn’t really give a shit about me. and no matter what I do or how nice a guy treats me or how good he is to me it always feels like shit, because I’d rather be with someone who has only continued to disappoint me. 

Wtf why? I can help you, just tell me what you need, I can be it. 

I’d just rather be alone, so please just stop. Please leave me alone. I don’t need your relationship or your help. I can figure my own shit out. I don’t need you. My happiness shouldn’t have to depend on another person and I don’t want it to. 

Oh okay then… 

Ill spend the rest of my life waiting for you.

Hah, that lasted long.
But it opened my eyes to how things really are and I don’t think ill ever go back no matter how much I may want to.

but i was going to come to graduation and I had something to give you…

you cant just mess up everything and then put it back together it and then leave. 

you cant just fucking do that. 

am I just somebody you felt sorry for so you thought you’d try to make it up to me until you could get rid of me? someone you could string along knowing that if you’re ever lonely you could just call me up because I’m in love with you and you know that and I always will be so you just use me like some sort of back up. like fucking really. 

I wanted to spend my entire fucking life with you and I’ve tried and tried and tried over the years to forget about you and it has never worked. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be, and another one of my unrealistic life dreams is crushed. Because you will graduate and you will forget about me and I will spend the rest of my life hanging around coffee shop corners too long in hopes that maybe I’ll run into you. 

And people say I’ll meet other people but thats easy for them to say. They can easily fall in love with some guy and the thing is I cant and I cant picture myself in a relationship or being married or any of that bullshit. I don’t know that I would even want to. But with you its different. Its like, god I don’t even know you’re perfect and you don’t even fucking know and I love you and you could care less and like ugh I’m tired of playing games just love me and don’t leave and I’m sorry I’m annoying I’m sorry I’m cold and I don’t show affection but I’m overflowing with it I just don’t know how to express it in words or actions like what am I supposed to do. 

ugh kill me. 

I just criticized the way my 11 year old brother was cutting a pie so he got upset and tried to cut his arms and say that I was the one who did it to him.

The amount of psycho in my family needs to be taken down like 20 notches.

It was fucking pie.